non-stop
i cried multiple times writing this
the last time i felt pure unadulterated bliss, i was in 5th grade.
it was a pool party celebrating Welby Way’s graduating class of 2019. i forget where it was, and i forget most specific details of the party, aside from the fact i was fully sobbing at the end of it, and that my mom had to pull me into her arms so as to not look like an emotional wreck to the rest of my classmates. but there is one part i do remember, one that’s forever etched into my brain. a window into happiness.
in 5th grade, i along with my entire friend group discovered (discovered? i forget what my relationship with the musical was at the time, but i know it was important) the musical Hamilton, and it wholly changed the interests of a bunch of 10-year-olds. our worlds were turned upside down. as for me, my personal interests became so much more-musical based. my Instagram explore page was Heathers and Tumblr posts out the wazoo. and i miss that, in a way. Thank you for everything, Lily. i remember going home one day and telling my mom i had memorized Aaron Burr, Sir. i still think that’s the first song i ever fully memorized.
Showtime! If you stand for nothing, Burr what do you fall for!? I thought Lin-Manuel Miranda was lyrical Jesus.
it was a perfect storm; the impressionable little boy that would believe you if you told him gullible was written on the ceiling found something to completely immerse himself in, and all of it was so beautiful.
all of this translated to the people around me. at that party, me and that group sang our Asses off to about 20 minutes of songs from Hamilton in the completely wrong key. and i would later come to realize that i peaked in that moment. i’ve peaked so many times, but that was my Everest. that IS my Everest. especially the Charles Lee section in Stay Alive. pure prepubescent excellence.
as everyone grows older, they go into that phase where they find everything that they loved like a year ago uncool and immature. i went through that with Hamilton. i directly remember having multiple conversations with my 7th grade social studies teacher about Hamilton, as i still had certain infatuations with the musical and she just generally liked it. i always remembering pointing out how nearly every Founding Father had more than a few slaves, and how that’s not nearly mentioned at all in Hamilton, therefore totally discrediting the musical.1 i didn’t think it was cool to like Hamilton.
and then i completely left the musical alone for a while. for 2, nearly 3 years. i’d sometimes see videos of Hamilton here and there, and i’d try and see if i knew all the lyrics to whatever song came up on my timeline. but aside from the occasional video, i had no relation to musicals as it was. my instagram explore page became music and sports, and it hasn’t changed since. it’s always had a place in my heart since 5th grade, and it’s not like something else filled that spot, but it was merely just left vacant.
and then i rediscovered it.
i was scrolling through instagram a few nights ago; it was decently late and i was doing AP Euro homework, and i saw something musical-related; i don’t remember exactly what it was. but one of the slides was the lyrics to Helpless, the song where Alex and Eliza meet for the first time at a party. i start playing Helpless, and as it is, the entire Original Broadway Recording of Hamilton.
for the first time in nearly 6 years, i am transported to absolute bliss. experiencing too much nostalgia is like eating too much chocolate; it’s never good. but this type of nostalgia, the nostalgia that comes from listening to just the first 30 seconds of a song and having your brain travel to a time where you had the world at your fingers, is an incredible feeling. i don’t remember the last i time felt it, and i’m not sure i’ll feel anything like the beauty of reintroducing myself into the entire life of my 5th grade self again.
he’d be so proud of this.
i continue to write and somehow procrastinate by checking all the lyrics on Genius. i continue to shuffle the Original Broadway Cast Recording, which admittedly, shuffling an entire musical only works when you know every lyric.
Look at where we are! Look at where we started!
i continue to write. Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story comes on and i think if it wasn’t as late as it was, i’d be ugly crying.
Whenever someone asks my opinion on Star Wars, I always mention it was my first love in media. Film, Music, Art, everything. Star Wars caught my attention as the smallest of children and never let go. I was raised on Star Wars, thank you Dad. Hamilton matters to me for so many reasons, and I think a large one is that it was my first love in media that I myself chose to be fan of. Along with my friends, I immersed myself in Hamilton, I immersed myself in musical culture. And looking back 5 years later, it’ll always be a part of me. I may never get the chance to do karaoke with 12 of my favorite people in the world at a pool party, but I’ll always have the memories of it.
sarcasm!